Is that all life is for me now? A list of things that would make myself feel better and less stressed if I got them done, but which I pass right by each and every day?
There were three times I actually felt like I was accomplishing things:
1. When my ex was bringing me to court (such a long stupid story), and I needed to get a lot of shit done in a short amount of time. He was threatening my livelihood, my dreams and my future so I NEEDED to make the hard calls, do the research and make things happen. And the reward for this? Watching the judge laugh the case out of court, which okay, was awesome. But the more important thing was learning that when I NEED to get my shit together, I actually can do that. I'm not some damsel in distress that doesn't know how to Google for an answer, find the right phone number and see that things get done.
2. When I was challenged by a mentor of mine to write down 10 things I wanted to do for myself and see them happen in the future. She said to start small and that I only had to do one or two and I would see that my life could turn around. We were supposed to meet the next week. As those seven days passed, I was determined to show her that I had the drive to listen to her advice, work on myself and I was going to be the best mentee. I was going to prove to her that she'd chosen to mentor the right person. And I did. I finished every single thing on my list and surprised the hell out of her!
3. When I did the 100happydays.com challenge, which asks people to write down something that makes them happy every single day for 100 days. It was fucking hard! I hated most of it actually and it made me a little more depressed, because I realized that most of the things I was doing that made me "happy" were so damn trivial when I needed to put in work on myself. I think I didn't see things like 'pay off debt #1352526' as something that made me happy. So everyday, I was torn between all the things I needed to do for myself and all the things I wanted to do and had to do to make me "happy". I realized by the end (well, after I gave up somewhere near the 40th that I am not a happy person and I hate trying to put on that act). Still, I got a lot of things done in that space. It challenged me. I failed the challenge and that makes me a little apprehensive about this year long goal, but it's different this time. This time I want to do things that will further my aims, whether or not they put a happy little smile on my face.
I've hit bottom lately. At least I hope this is bottom. I have so many things I need to fix in my life. Moving on after an abusive relationship, moving out of my apartment I share with roommates who are getting their own house, settling in my new place, getting a stable job, paying off debt, finding new relationships of many sorts and shapes, taking my sister to court over the fraud she'd been committing for years with our parent's estate, fixing my car and generally making my life not suck as badly as it does today in 2014. I want to get to 2015 and say 'Shit! Look at everything I did this year!' instead of 'well, another year fucking wasted'.
And I will be journaling the whole project every day. I used to keep a livejournal (vampedvixen.livejournal.com) and I have a few other blogs up online (memoirs-myfatherslegacy.blogspot.com - which is a memoir of memories I have of my father which I dream of turning into a book someday, and anonymousalanon.blogspot.com which is musings on 12 step programs). Writing is something that has always spurred me on and I think it'll give me the drive to keep working on myself and the space to vent my emotions about the annoying things I have to do to make it to the next level in life.
I also think the nature of this project will work for me. I have trouble keeping up with new habits. In my very being, I am a jack of all trades, and sadly, master of none. Though, instead of working against that like I have in the past and telling myself that I MUST do something every day, until I get so bored with it that I quit just out of spite, I think a project like this will give me more space to be creative and a variety of ways to try to better myself each day. And yes, some people think that it's too ambitious to try something newly productive everyday, they think that I should focus on one skill or habit until I have it down but just think if I make it through even 1/2 of these ideas. That's about 100 different things I've done to stretch myself out of my comfort zone in 2015, which I think will be an improvement over 2014. I'm imagining it like the electronic game Simon, where I try to keep adding things every day, one by one-- and sure I might mess up, but I'll keep going and try not to break the chain in the future.
For now, I'm brainstorming with some friends of mine a list of ideas of day projects for this year project. I've got some things in mind already like:
1. Compliment a stranger.
2. Pay for a coffee for the person behind you.
3. Hand write a thank you letter and mail it.
4. Start a new book.
5. Work on Dad's Blog.
6. Drink 8 glasses of water.
7. Magnesium.
8. Drink more water.
9. Call someone I haven't spoken to in years.
10. Meditate.
11. Mturk.
12. Walk or drive into a direction you haven't gone before.
13. Walk over 20 miles.
14. Say yes when you feel like saying no.
15. Attempt to go a day without negative thoughts.
16. Pay of hospital debt.
17. Hire a lawyer for estate case.
And I'm looking stuff up on the internet to help, like these helpful pages:
30 Things To Start Doing For Yourself
365 Days of Kindness
The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation
48 Little Things You Can Do To Make Yourself Happier Now
31 Nice Things to Do for Yourself this December
40 Things To Do For Yourself Instead Of Writing A Letter To Your Ex
But mostly, I am enjoying my last few days of 2014, soaking up the holiday spirit and enjoying company of visiting friends who I rarely get to see. The first day of January is when it all begins! Maybe I'll even implement a rating system, 1 - 5 stars in areas such as: how much it sucked to do, how happier I am now that it's done, how much I feel I should continue to do it in the future. Something like that?
This is shaping up to be like a one random act of kindness towards myself each day project. I'm so good at doing for others, but when it comes to myself I need work. This will be my year. I'm gonna rise like a motherfucking phoenix!
Stay tuned....
