Some days I get more work done than I do all week...

Okay, so it's been over a week since I last updated this blog. I let a lot of things slip while my depression worsened last week and a lot of time was spent doing mindless things of no importance and sleeping. Though, I'm catching up now since the deadline for moving has come and gone! I am no longer with my friends and old roommates, so life is moving onward, I suppose.

On Monday I did achieve another goal though, which was to start celebrating more people's birthdays. I gave Bobby a little jar full of peanuts with a Peanuts sticker on it. He's a fan of that comic. I want to start becoming more of the social crowd and fit in more, so maybe trying to remember people's birthdays will help? I don't know. It's a start.

Then, on Friday, I started moving out to a place in Glen Allen, Virginia. It's a few miles away from where I was living and it will do for now. I'm still not 100% on the place. It's been a lot of work moving and sorting and driving stuff over from the old apartment-- only to end up someplace alone, with no friends, without much of a support system and having new bills to pay for because I'm not getting the awesome deal I was getting at my old place. I still have to get Internet, unpack the last load from the car, change my forwarding address, get a new license, ect. ect. So much to do and so little reward-- though the room I have now is twice as big as my old room and I have a walk-in closet (mostly, because my roommate/chief lease holder doesn't want to move some of her stuff out of the full closet I thought I was going to get). And to top it off, my roommates got a house that's 30 minutes away instead of renting the place that was going to be right down the block. Sigh. But, hey, I'm not going to be homeless which is definitely a good thing!

And Saturday, January 10th was a day of catch up regarding my wanting to do productive things every day. I got the following done:

1. Took myself out to lunch – I guess since I don't have friends that live around me anymore, I'll be doing this a lot often, but it was good for my depression to just go to Boarders and get some food while reading some books. I'd like to do that more in the future.

2. Bought a new organizer – This book is becoming a godsend. I used some Google program to schedule things in the past and that did help a lot, but it takes me to Google which takes me to the rest of the Internet which takes me to a point where I've lost several hours doing nothing but bullshitting on the Internet. The book seems to be helping a lot. I try to write down one productive thing I've done in the book every day. And it's helping to focus my mind in my old age. I had one in high school/college and I got so much more done back then.

3. Got myself a haircut – I've been meaning to do this for ages but I could never find a cheap enough place! I walked past one yesterday that was only $13. I thought it was just a barbershop at first because I didn't understand how a salon was that cheap, but yeah, seems like I'll be going there more often from now on! It was the first time I was in a salon since my sister (who was my hair stylist most of my life) died.

4. Bought a new phone – I'll need this for my job hunt. I got a very modest plan of 240 minutes of talk (unlimited txting though) for $25 a month, pay as I go. I'll probably update it to $40 a month in the future, but until I get a job I'd like to use it simply to get call backs on my resumes and interviews. 804-937-2811. Txt me! Heh.

5. Started a program of going through one bag/box of my stuff a day – I have a bunch of boxes and bags that I've carried with me from my family home to the house I shared with my ex-fiance to my old place in Henrico and now to this new apartment. So much baggage! And I feel like it's not so much even items I can use anymore, it's just STUFF I've been carrying around with me for some reason, without actually knowing if any of it is important. And because I have to keep so much of it in my car trunk, in storage or under a whole bunch of other bags and boxes in my closet, I can never utilize all of the things I own. I know I only live in small rooms these days and I don't have much money to buy new things, so I get really tied to holding on to what I do have. It's such a metaphor. Since I've been going through, it I can't believe how much I've been able to let go-- and by letting go of the physical objects, I've been able to let go of some of the past crap I've been through. For instance, I've managed to throw out a bunch of stuff from my ex. It's very hard to do that though. I want some things to remember that time in my life-- so I let myself keep one envelope of his letters, in a draw right next to the court order for the case he put me through. I feel that's the best compromise I can make between the two warring factions in my head.

Today, I went through a few last boxes at the old apartment and visited Beky who is still going to be living there for a few more days. It was hard to get myself to go because I'm still upset about the move-- and even harder to leave, but I feel that even with the depressive funk I got myself I accomplished some very important things this week. And I have written out plans to keep me busy next week!

Last Day Of Vacation (Challenge #3 - 1/2 Hour Walk Everyday)

Today was the last day of vacation. Well, not my vacation exactly, but it was time to say goodbye to some out of state friends who've been here since last Saturday. We drove a half hour to get to a restaurant, ate food with Faith and Dan, then we went back to their house with everyone for a rousing day of board gaming. Yes, MORE board gaming! I don't think I've ever played as many games in one week as I did this past one, except maybe for the time that I went to GenCon. Werewolf, Bang: The Dice Game, Tsuro and possibly some other that I can't recall at the moment were all played today. Then we went back to Bobby's house to watch some really horrible movies (The Pirate Movie, which I have to admit is my favorite movie of all time even if it's totally a guilty pleasure, and we also watched Silver Hawk). Then the goodbyes came and because my roommates had gone home early, I chose to walk back to our apartment in the dark after the movie marathon was over. I also had no car by that point because I had hitched a ride with my roommates, so the choice was pretty obvious.

I needed to clear my head. A lot of times after packing so much social time in one week, like on a vacation or a convention, I get depressed. When I get depressed, walking around usually helps-- especially if it's in the dark and the temperature is nice. I've made this resolution several times in the past few years, but damn it, I'm going to make it again. I want to try a slow build up to exercising again by just talking a half hour walk every day.

I probably won't be able to stick with this one for as long as the others. I severely doubt my ability to stick with anything that takes longer than a few minutes a day. The willingness is there on some days, but then I fall behind and I lack the motivation and drive to continue after something causes a hiccup in my plans. It's all about that one missed day in my mind, which I guess just goes to show the all or nothing mentality that I've set up in my head, which is probably not the healthiest way of looking at life. Once I miss that day, I feel guilty and it seems like everything is set back and all the work that has come before isn't worth it because I screwed up that once. Ugh. Also, once I start exercising, I always feel like I'm not doing enough. I could have lifted more weight, walked more miles, got my heart rate up higher and really pushed myself to exhaustion if I only tried harder. I'm never satisfied when it comes to exercising, which is why I tend to give up a lot of times.

Still, on the days when I do get some time to myself to walk around I usually do feel a little better. And by starting slow, maybe I'll resist the urge to turn getting healthier into just one more thing I'm not happy with about myself. One can hope!

Further Reading: American Heart Association: Benefits Of Walking

Letters From The Edge

It's 4am and I am exhausted but can't sleep. I was emailing a good friend of mine and I finally was able to put down in words what I hate about my life. It's a starting point for this project, I suppose. I will repost here for sake of posterity:

I really need to get a job ASAP. I'm not doing good financially. My teeth just crapped out on me in the past few months, resulting in several thousand dollars of dental work (quite a few root canals all at once for some damn reason, ugh).

I know I have depression. It's probably chronic, but December is when I really lose it. My mother went really all out for Christmas. She would play Christmas music blasting in the house from Thanksgiving till New Year's Day, none stop while the inside of the house looked like elves exploded inside, like one of those houses you see on the news that is decorated on the outside, but it was on the inside. It's hard going from that to going to a very lackluster holiday dinner and feeling like I don't belong anywhere. With my roommates, who were like family, taking off and leaving me grasping for a place to live this past month and my ex doing the whole 'I really really really want to make things work with you-- but oh, look, it's a day later and now I think you're a fucking bitch I wasted all this time with when I could have been around people who were actually there for me' crap (even HE said he doesn't know why he treats me the way he does because I was actually the best he's ever had before) and now with my roommates friend's all visiting this week and making me feel a little bit like an outcast-- an outcast who has to move to a small little apartment where I don't know anyone and I will be stuck in a room, by myself, with nothing but chronic back pain and bills up the ass and collection companies coming down on me, it's really hard to figure out why the hell I'm still fucking here. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. Everyone is dead or gone and I'm just working to get out of debt so maybe I can afford a little bit of ramen as I get older while watching the television because no one is around to talk to--- and then I watch other people who get married, have kids and buy their fancy ass houses with their fancy ass cash from their fancy ass job... yeah, that's about where my head is these days.

I have no plans for the future. I'm just trying a lot of different things and seeing if anything makes me feel better, but I'm really at the end of my rope. The suicidal thoughts are just in my head nonstop right now and in the back of my head, I can hear my ex laughing about how he made out wonderfully in his own life. I shouldn't care, but it just reinforces that people who are fucking cruel and inhumane get treated like kings and the rest of us just get the shit end of the stick.

I need to go back to Alanon. It's always been there for me, but I can't find a group I really like these days. It has taught me so much about self respect and living one day at a time. It's got a lot to do with codependency and living with alcoholism, but there are a lot of traits that children of alcoholics get ingrained in them that hurt them when they grow up. (http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php) I know I have a bunch of them, but I also know that everything that is on my plate and has happened to me over the past few years has worn me down. I don't even see why I should try anymore. My greatest dream is to have a family, to get to hold my family again in my arms in the form of a child and I'm getting to old for that to even happen. Even if I fix my life, I don't have anyone to share it with anyway. The only person who ever "loved" me was the man who abused me for three years. How fucked is that?

I know what CBT is-- I'm trained to teach others how to do it, but it's like the surgeon who can't heal themselves. The best thing a therapist can offer is a mirror for our blind spot, but yeah, you're right, it's bigger than me at this point. I know I need therapy, but when I'm living on ramen the idea of being able to sit and talk with someone for an hour or so is a luxury. I have Xanax that was prescribed to me by my PCP doc when I was going through the cancer scare last year and I still take it for the big panic attacks, but I tend to grow drug tolerances VERY quickly (probably has something to do with my family's alcoholism genes) so I tend to try not to use my meds unless absolutely necessary. If, for instance, I have to go to an appointment and I need to get through it or else something bad will happen, then I take them. But if I'm just sitting around on my ass at home, I won't use them. They also work great for anxiety and not so great for depression. I've tried antidepressants in the past but none of them seemed to make me feel any different at all.

I don't know what to do. I have to get a job in order to get insurance and money to pay for therapy, but I may need therapy to get a job and hold it long enough to get insurance. It's a catch-22 and I am spiraling down the drain, clinging to anything that might help get me through. I'm holding on, but I don't know why because at the end of the day I'm alone and my life is really rather pointless.

But like my ex would probably say, "No one cares about your drama, Janet. Get over yourself."

Second Day Of The New Year (Challenge #2 - Journal 500 Words A Day)

My next goal that I'm going to be implementing in my life is journaling 500 words a day. Like I've said earlier in this blog, I have kept several journals online in the past--- I also have some offline that I've tried to keep up with that eventually just became just a few scrawled words in a book with many more empty pages than pages I have anything written on. I always say I'm going to keep up with my writing, but other than a journal I kept on LiveJournal for almost 8 years, I have never been able to stick with it for very long.

I love old journal entries though, in whichever format I happen to find them. They're little mementos from that time, that head space I was in at the time. I've also seen growth through reading old journal entries and thinking 'wow, I am so not that person anymore' and following the tracks in the dirt behind me, like the little strings in a serial killer's apartment that are connected to maps and trinkets. Ha! But seriously, you can connect the dots so much easier when they are right in front of you.



I also know I'm dealing with a lot of depression right now in my life, so maybe this journal will become a place where I can rant and discuss the pitfalls of trying to become someone different. There's going to be a lot of struggle this year, I can already tell that just by my mood and knowing some of the things I'm going to have to do next. I need a place where I can unwind the thoughts in my brain from the ball of tightly wound string the chaos has created.

There are many other reasons for keeping a journal writing habit that can be found here: 100 Benefits of Journaling. Some really good benefits from something that'll probably take me about 10 minutes a day.

So that's my next challenge. I was already pretty much doing it, but I want to start with some easy goals in the beginning so I can work up to bigger and better things. Also, for the next few days my life is packed with visiting friends and board gaming and restaurants. Ian, Hilary and Darryl are visiting from out of state so things are busy, busy, busy! We spent the first day of the year going to the Silver Diner and playing some games at Bobby's house. It was a nice hangout, as the rest of the week has been, but I still feel out of place in that group. I wonder if I have any place in the world that I can call my own. Most of these people are just friends of my roommate and they've known each other for years now. I came into the clan later, with much drama that filled my life, few social skills, lots of shyness and the oddness of being a single person in a group of married people. As much fun as it is to hang out sometimes, it's also hard in a way I doubt any of them really understand. I feel like a perpetual outsider.

Glasses Half Full and Empty (Challenge #1 - Drink 8 Glasses of Water A Day)

This New Year's Eve was celebrated at a friend's house with lots of board games, pizza and good conversation with people. Though, as 2015 began, my depression hit an all time low. In the past, the new year has brought on a surge of good feelings of renewal and hope that the next year would be better. This year though, I didn't really feel any of that. I feel like it's all over for me. My family is dead, my friends are all moving on and I am being forced to start renting an apartment by myself (and a new roommate) on the 9th. I felt really suicidal as I was catching a ride home from my roommate. As she was talking about how she never saw herself reaching 2015 (she's chronically ill), I could only say that every year I never know if I'll see the next and I might as well not see 2016 anyway. I feel so old.

There's this episode of the Walking Dead where Shane and Rick are talking about what their lives are like after the zombie apocalypse. Shane says, "That life is gone and everyone in it.... It's like we're old folk, all the people in our stories are all dead." But he does go on to say, "It's hard enough accepting what's happened without digging up the past. I'll tell you what it is. It's nostalgia. It's like a drug. Keeps you from seeing things the way they are." That's pretty much exactly where I am as the new year begins. I would try to hold on but there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

When I finally got home, I looked at my photo of my father I keep on my wall and just started crying. Another year. I have to do this all over again. I have to live this life without my family, without anything to call my own, with my ex-fiance and with very few real friends. I started thinking about suicide and how I always thought it was a sin because it hurt the people who you leave behind, but what if you don't leave anyone behind? What if everyone has moved on or died or left? Then maybe it's okay because you won't hurt anyone and you won't hurt anymore.

I want to go see the sunrise but I don't know of any place around Richmond where I can. I used to go down to the ocean on New Year's Eve when I lived on Long Island, but even the land beneath my feet has changed. My friend was talking a few days ago about how I hadn't even chosen a state to settle and live in yet. I have though. It's Virginia for lack of anything better. I told her though, "I don't live. I only exist." That's how it feels now. My life is nothing but bills, debt and working to get out of both those things and very little else.

So, yeah, I guess 2015 came in with a whimper. Maybe when I move I can just forget about this life and turn my brain off and just work and shut up. My roommate asked me where I was moving now, since my plans with my ex-fiance fell through and I wouldn't tell her. When she asked if I wanted help moving, I just said "no" and refused to say anything more. Last time I talked to her about my plans it was when I was going to be moving to Florida with my ex to try to work things out with him and she went and told everyone prematurely and then when my plans fell through I was stuck with everyone asking a million questions about what was going on. So now I don't want her knowing anything about my future plans or life.

Anyway, despite this depression, I'm working on my first goal of the new year. It's to drink 8 cups of water a day. So far I'm up to 4 cups, so I'm already halfway there for the first day. I'm going to work on that as my first goal to tackle and somehow figure out something to do for my depression and suicidal ideation. Doing something healthy for myself is a step in the right direction, even if right now I don't feel like taking it. It's also something simple I can do while I get the momentum up to try some of the harder challenges.



Further Reading: 34 Proven Ways Water Makes You Awesome