Glasses Half Full and Empty (Challenge #1 - Drink 8 Glasses of Water A Day)

This New Year's Eve was celebrated at a friend's house with lots of board games, pizza and good conversation with people. Though, as 2015 began, my depression hit an all time low. In the past, the new year has brought on a surge of good feelings of renewal and hope that the next year would be better. This year though, I didn't really feel any of that. I feel like it's all over for me. My family is dead, my friends are all moving on and I am being forced to start renting an apartment by myself (and a new roommate) on the 9th. I felt really suicidal as I was catching a ride home from my roommate. As she was talking about how she never saw herself reaching 2015 (she's chronically ill), I could only say that every year I never know if I'll see the next and I might as well not see 2016 anyway. I feel so old.

There's this episode of the Walking Dead where Shane and Rick are talking about what their lives are like after the zombie apocalypse. Shane says, "That life is gone and everyone in it.... It's like we're old folk, all the people in our stories are all dead." But he does go on to say, "It's hard enough accepting what's happened without digging up the past. I'll tell you what it is. It's nostalgia. It's like a drug. Keeps you from seeing things the way they are." That's pretty much exactly where I am as the new year begins. I would try to hold on but there's nothing to hold on to anymore.

When I finally got home, I looked at my photo of my father I keep on my wall and just started crying. Another year. I have to do this all over again. I have to live this life without my family, without anything to call my own, with my ex-fiance and with very few real friends. I started thinking about suicide and how I always thought it was a sin because it hurt the people who you leave behind, but what if you don't leave anyone behind? What if everyone has moved on or died or left? Then maybe it's okay because you won't hurt anyone and you won't hurt anymore.

I want to go see the sunrise but I don't know of any place around Richmond where I can. I used to go down to the ocean on New Year's Eve when I lived on Long Island, but even the land beneath my feet has changed. My friend was talking a few days ago about how I hadn't even chosen a state to settle and live in yet. I have though. It's Virginia for lack of anything better. I told her though, "I don't live. I only exist." That's how it feels now. My life is nothing but bills, debt and working to get out of both those things and very little else.

So, yeah, I guess 2015 came in with a whimper. Maybe when I move I can just forget about this life and turn my brain off and just work and shut up. My roommate asked me where I was moving now, since my plans with my ex-fiance fell through and I wouldn't tell her. When she asked if I wanted help moving, I just said "no" and refused to say anything more. Last time I talked to her about my plans it was when I was going to be moving to Florida with my ex to try to work things out with him and she went and told everyone prematurely and then when my plans fell through I was stuck with everyone asking a million questions about what was going on. So now I don't want her knowing anything about my future plans or life.

Anyway, despite this depression, I'm working on my first goal of the new year. It's to drink 8 cups of water a day. So far I'm up to 4 cups, so I'm already halfway there for the first day. I'm going to work on that as my first goal to tackle and somehow figure out something to do for my depression and suicidal ideation. Doing something healthy for myself is a step in the right direction, even if right now I don't feel like taking it. It's also something simple I can do while I get the momentum up to try some of the harder challenges.



Further Reading: 34 Proven Ways Water Makes You Awesome