It's 4am and I am exhausted but can't sleep. I was emailing a good friend of mine and I finally was able to put down in words what I hate about my life. It's a starting point for this project, I suppose. I will repost here for sake of posterity:
I really need to get a job ASAP. I'm not doing good financially. My teeth just crapped out on me in the past few months, resulting in several thousand dollars of dental work (quite a few root canals all at once for some damn reason, ugh).
I know I have depression. It's probably chronic, but December is when I really lose it. My mother went really all out for Christmas. She would play Christmas music blasting in the house from Thanksgiving till New Year's Day, none stop while the inside of the house looked like elves exploded inside, like one of those houses you see on the news that is decorated on the outside, but it was on the inside. It's hard going from that to going to a very lackluster holiday dinner and feeling like I don't belong anywhere. With my roommates, who were like family, taking off and leaving me grasping for a place to live this past month and my ex doing the whole 'I really really really want to make things work with you-- but oh, look, it's a day later and now I think you're a fucking bitch I wasted all this time with when I could have been around people who were actually there for me' crap (even HE said he doesn't know why he treats me the way he does because I was actually the best he's ever had before) and now with my roommates friend's all visiting this week and making me feel a little bit like an outcast-- an outcast who has to move to a small little apartment where I don't know anyone and I will be stuck in a room, by myself, with nothing but chronic back pain and bills up the ass and collection companies coming down on me, it's really hard to figure out why the hell I'm still fucking here. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. Everyone is dead or gone and I'm just working to get out of debt so maybe I can afford a little bit of ramen as I get older while watching the television because no one is around to talk to--- and then I watch other people who get married, have kids and buy their fancy ass houses with their fancy ass cash from their fancy ass job... yeah, that's about where my head is these days.
I have no plans for the future. I'm just trying a lot of different things and seeing if anything makes me feel better, but I'm really at the end of my rope. The suicidal thoughts are just in my head nonstop right now and in the back of my head, I can hear my ex laughing about how he made out wonderfully in his own life. I shouldn't care, but it just reinforces that people who are fucking cruel and inhumane get treated like kings and the rest of us just get the shit end of the stick.
I need to go back to Alanon. It's always been there for me, but I can't find a group I really like these days. It has taught me so much about self respect and living one day at a time. It's got a lot to do with codependency and living with alcoholism, but there are a lot of traits that children of alcoholics get ingrained in them that hurt them when they grow up. (http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php) I know I have a bunch of them, but I also know that everything that is on my plate and has happened to me over the past few years has worn me down. I don't even see why I should try anymore. My greatest dream is to have a family, to get to hold my family again in my arms in the form of a child and I'm getting to old for that to even happen. Even if I fix my life, I don't have anyone to share it with anyway. The only person who ever "loved" me was the man who abused me for three years. How fucked is that?
I know what CBT is-- I'm trained to teach others how to do it, but it's like the surgeon who can't heal themselves. The best thing a therapist can offer is a mirror for our blind spot, but yeah, you're right, it's bigger than me at this point. I know I need therapy, but when I'm living on ramen the idea of being able to sit and talk with someone for an hour or so is a luxury. I have Xanax that was prescribed to me by my PCP doc when I was going through the cancer scare last year and I still take it for the big panic attacks, but I tend to grow drug tolerances VERY quickly (probably has something to do with my family's alcoholism genes) so I tend to try not to use my meds unless absolutely necessary. If, for instance, I have to go to an appointment and I need to get through it or else something bad will happen, then I take them. But if I'm just sitting around on my ass at home, I won't use them. They also work great for anxiety and not so great for depression. I've tried antidepressants in the past but none of them seemed to make me feel any different at all.
I don't know what to do. I have to get a job in order to get insurance and money to pay for therapy, but I may need therapy to get a job and hold it long enough to get insurance. It's a catch-22 and I am spiraling down the drain, clinging to anything that might help get me through. I'm holding on, but I don't know why because at the end of the day I'm alone and my life is really rather pointless.
But like my ex would probably say, "No one cares about your drama, Janet. Get over yourself."
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